Or 5 Ways to Guarantee Your Barista Will Spit in Your Drink
As a former barista and a daily consumer of a $5 double soy latte (yeah, don’t judge), I thought it only fitting to give note to the industry (I repeat, Industry) I’d gladly give my all to preserve. Or maybe I’m just sick of douchebags. Some of these may be familiar to you, some of them we secretly roll our eyes at.
1. Ask for an iced capuccino. There’s no reason anybody needs their barista to make steaming hot foam so it can seep into their ice cubes and create a watery, luke-warm latte. Nobody, and I mean NO BODY, needs that.
2. Order a Caramel Macchiato. Not everywhere is a Starbucks. Don’t be surprised when you get a minuscule cup with your order. Yelling at your barista won’t help, because the Italians are right. What you have is espresso with caramel and a dollop of foam. What you want is called a Caramel Vanilla Latte, or occasionally a Caranilla.
3. Don’t tip. Baristas are paid close to if not exactly minimum wage under the assumption that they will garner extra income from tips. Guess what happens if nobody tips because they think they only have to in restaurants? Unless you can make your Iced Mocha Frappe at home, throw a few extra coins in the jar. That clinky shit adds up nicely at the end of the day.
4. Order a non-fat, sugar-free latte with whipped cream. I don’t even need to explain this one.
5. Complain about the speed of your service. Especially when there’s a line out the door. Believe me, they want to go “as fast as they fucking can,” too. You can chill for two seconds for your luke-warm, non-fat, latte with whip.
Thank you to all of those who already know this. I’d love to be preaching to the choir. Now, a recipe:
Nutella Coffee– something to spice up your morning cup.
- Brew a pot of coffee.
- Place a scoop of chocolate ice cream in the bottom of a cup.
- Pour coffee over ice cream almost to the top of the cup.
- Add a shot of hazelnut syrup.
- Enjoy nirvana.
With that, have a blissful day.